All The Grace
by Pethron
Summary: Remus must survive through a full moon soon after Sirius' death, but how can he when he is now alone? [Not Slash]


**A/n:** This is my first fanfiction, although I have done several elvish poems. Please read and review!

**Disclaimer: **None of the songs/poems I use in this story are my own. The world of Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling.

**)()(**

**All The Grace**

"_All those memories, pain and anger, flood back one by one_

_They must be just around the bend, they always come_

_At night as I lay sleeping they come to me in herds..."1_

The light of the setting sun filtered gently through a second story window on the south side of number twelve Grimmauld Place, slowly losing the battle against the succeeding shadows in the room. Still, though, the fading sun struggled valiantly to reach the prone figure that lay on the bed set against the far wall, even as the night rose up from the corners to wrap the man in its chilling embrace.

Remus Lupin watched out the window with an increasingly heavy heart as the sun moved too far west to shed its dying light into his gloomy room. He lay there quietly, as he had the entire day, his only movement the rise and fall of his bare chest as he breathed.

_Just breathe. _It was all he could do, focus on the repeating rhythm and try not to think, not to feel, not to remember. For a time this plan worked, but as the daylight receded, so did his control, and his fear and panic had begun to pulse through his veins with every quickening beat of his broken heart.

Remus groaned and rose stiffly from his bed. He had to do something to occupy himself, but when nothing jumped from the walls of his room to oblige, he began to pace from one empty wall, to the door opposite. His mind was racing, but it had few places to go as Remus shied away from painful, yet unavoidable topics.

The last week had possibly been the worst he had had to endure in his entire life, and Remus had spent many lonely hours trying to think of anything that outdid the current scenario. Only one instance had come even close: the night James and Lily Potter had been murdered, and his other best friend named the culprit. Of course, now Remus knew that Sirius Black was innocent, but the days following Sirius' arrest had been tough to bear.

_Think of something else,_ Remus pleaded with himself, but he couldn't. The wounds of his heart were too deep, and too fresh to not rip asunder at the jab to its loss.

Sirius' death had been a painful blow to many; the Order, his friends, and, of course, the man's godson Harry Potter. Remus wondered for a moment how the boy was handling it. If it was anything like the crushing nothingness that plagued him, then Remus really didn't want to know.

Remus stopped pacing and leaned back onto the wall, closing his eyes. The night Sirius had died Harry had been there, had seen his godfather fall. Remus had grabbed hold of him, keeping the boy from rushing to Sirius' aid, and telling him there was nothing they could do, but it had taken every ounce of self-restraint he had to heed his own words.

Remus opened his eyes and ran a hand through his hair, but stopped abruptly as the darkness of night pressed into his room. Wide eyed, he turned to look out the window, and saw the last of the sun give way to the full moon's silver glow.

Remus' body began to convulse, tremors of fear falling down his spine and weakening his legs. He couldn't do this now, not this night. The sudden pain that gripped him as the tell-tale signs of his transformation threw him to the floor with a cry. His muscles bunched and stretched, tore and shifted. He tried to force himself to be calm, to relax, but the agony was too great, and as his bones snapped, shrinking, growing, rearranging, all thought was driven from his mind, all but one pulsing plea.

_I don't want to be alone!_ He couldn't do this alone; he couldn't do this without Sirius. Sirius had always been there...

Remus' pain-filled, terrified scream tore through the large house, turning into an anguished howl.

**)()(**

"_We can forge a way_

_Through this endless night_

_I'll be there_

_To hold you tight_

_To ease your endless pain_

_And if your soul_

_Was torn to shreds_

_I'd love you just the same"2_

Sirius Black sank heavily to the cool grass and leaned his back against a tree. He crossed his arms and laid them on his drawn up knees, an angry pout screwing up his handsome features.

The grounds of Hogwarts were quiet, everyone being in the Great Hall for dinner, except him, of course. The realization that he was alone and had no one at whom to direct his baleful glare did not improve his mood. He was bored, and everyone was ignoring him. The whole of the Gryffindor House were busy studying for the end of year exams, and had been all day. Every time Sirius had opened his mouth, people were hissing at him to hush. Even his two friends James and Peter had shrugged him aside.

End of year exams were important, he knew that, and he also knew that he should be inside making up for a year of goofing off, but he was unable to focus on such seemingly trivial things as making a feather float.

Sirius had dropped his chin to his arms and begun scowling at anything that caught his eye, when his gaze fell on two figures hurrying out a side door of the hospital wing.

"Remus?" he whispered. Indeed, it was his other friend; he could see the dirty blonde hair and scruffy robes. Remus had been absent from classes and the dormitory all that day, but it wasn't unusual. Every month the boy disappeared to the hospital wing, fighting off the flu, or whatever it was that ailed him so frequently.

Lifting his head and watching intently, Sirius could identify the one with Remus as Madam Pomfrey, the young school healer. The two made their way down the hill, to where the Womping Willow was swaying threateningly. Madam Pomfrey lifted a long branch off the ground and prodded the trunk of the tree. Seemingly satisfied with something, the healer wrapped a supportive arm around Remus' waist and the two disappeared through a gap in the tree's roots.

Sirius blinked and rose to his feet, wondering what was going on. He looked up and saw the sun was beginning to set; student weren't allowed on the grounds at night. Much more curious about what he had seen than concerned with the rules, and trusting James to cover for him, Sirius pelted down the hill.

He skidded to a halt, nearly stumbling when he realized he had run headlong into the shadow of the mean tree. Holding still and waiting to be pounded, impaled, or likely both, Sirius was surprised when the Womping Willow held its peace, swaying in the breeze. He would have laughed had he not heard a grumbling voice to his left.

Sirius jumped behind the tree as Madam Pomfrey emerged from the tunnel alone, carrying Remus' robes and wand. Concern for his friend rose in his chest, and as soon as the healer had gone, Sirius dove into the tunnel.

The tunnel was lit by several scones in the walls and Sirius had no trouble jogging the distance from the entrance to... Where did this lead? Was he still on the grounds? A few moments pondering cost him when his shins collided with the impressively hard step of a stairway that led up to a trap door.

Suppressing the urge to sit and rub his throbbing legs, he made his way carefully up and pushed open the door, which moved easily and quietly. He poked his dark head up through the floor and found himself in an empty room of a wooden house. He pulled himself fully from the hole, and set out to wander about, completely uncaring of what he may encounter around each corner, so long as he found his friend.

Sirius did not have to look too far as the sound of movement drew him to a closed door at the end of a hall. He reached out and grasped the knob, then threw open the door, expecting to see Remus' startled face. He was quite unprepared for the sight that met him.

There was Remus, laying on several thick blankets that covered the floor, and wearing a flimsy night shirt... and chains. Heavy manacles covered his arms and legs, and a length of chain was wrapped loosely, yet securely around his chest, all connecting to the wall behind him. His face was terribly pale and his frightened eyes were lifted up to the small window set high on the wall, which allowed light in.

"Oh lord," Sirius exclaimed, and Remus jerked around to face him, his eyes widening in alarm.

"Sirius! Wha- No, get out of here!" Remus screamed.

There was no force in the magic world that would have made Sirius leave his friend in that state. He rushed forward, falling to his knees, and began trying to free Remus, who seemed to be doing everything he could to hinder him.

"Its okay, Remus, I'm going to get you out of here," Sirius said, brushing Remus' shaking hands away. He made to draw his wand from his robes, but Remus grabbed his wrist.

"Sirius, leave! You are in a lot of danger, you cannot be here." Remus was hysterical, trying to make his friend understand. He seemed to be about to say more, but only a gasp passed his lips, and he began to shiver. He tore his eyes away from Sirius' and looked up at the dark window. The room fell black for a moment, before brightening once more in the rising moonlight.

"Remus..." Sirius began, but stopped as Remus' hand tightened harshly about his wrist. He was going to try to get his friend's attention once more, when Remus pitched forward with a strangled groan, wrapping an arm around his torso.

Remus' tearing eyes turned to Sirius, and Sirius saw a depth of pain and fear he had never imagined possible.

"Run!" Remus' voice was barely a whisper, and he began to gasp, shutting his eyes tightly.

Sirius couldn't move. He would not leave Remus alone in his torment, even if he was unaware of its cause. The grip on his wrist was becoming painful, but he only twisted his hand around and returned the grasp. He gently laid a hand on Remus' back. Remus threw up his head, his body arching in an attempt to escape the pain, and he fell onto his back, writhing in on the blankets and screaming.

Sirius had been pulled forward by Remus' fall, and now he recoiled, jerking his arm from Remus' reach. The agonized body before him was rippling, contorting and stretching the skin. The sight was gruesome, Remus' face was elongating, his back bulging, and limbs were impossibly bent and lengthened. With an inhuman howl, Remus' body gave a final surge, ripping his clothing to reveal a coarse gray hair making its way across his flesh, and then he went limp.

Sirius was too horrified to even breathe as he watched a massive, hunched wolf roll to its feet. It sniffed the air a moment, and then ripped around, snarling and barking. The wolf crouched, and lunged, its maw snapping inches from Sirius' legs.

"Remus?!" Sirius cried, leaping back just in time to avoid being mauled by a huge clawed paw. When the wolf realized it could not reach its prey chained as it was, it set to thrashing, slamming into the wall and raking its claws over its own flesh.

Sirius would happily have run for all he was worth, but he still would not abandon Remus. Later, those who knew of Remus' plight would assure him that the being before him was not his friend, that 'Remus' had fled at the coming of the wolf, but Sirius knew better. Remus may look and act like a wolf, but Sirius could see in his friend's eyes, the eyes of a human, that he was there; lost, but not gone.

That night Sirius sat curled against the wall opposite the werewolf, his wide eyes never leaving his friend. Days passed before the sun rose the next morning, and as dawn's light fell through the window, Remus rose to his hind legs and howled.

The return to human form seemed to take less time than becoming a wolf, and Remus, the one Sirius knew so well, collapsed into his friend's waiting arms.

"Remus? Are you alright?"

"Sirius? Oh lord, did I hurt you?" Remus rasped, ignoring Sirius' question.

"No, you didn't hurt me," Sirius' voice broke as he held Remus' bloodied and bruised body closer. He felt tears on his cheeks, but he ignored them.

Madam Pomfrey and Professor Dumbledore found the two this way.

"You see, Poppy?" said Dumbledore with a smile. "I told you Mister Lupin didn't need you during this night."

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"_Somewhere in this darkness _

_There's a light that I can't find_

_Maybe it's too far away..._

_Maybe I'm just blind..."3_

Remus sighed heavily as the pain slowly went away, flowing into the floorboards and leaving behind a hot ache. Thanks to the potion concocted by Snape, he was able to suppress the blind rage and hunger that nudged at the back of his mind, and he lumbered onto his four feet with conscious effort.

Whimpering, he trotted across the room and scratched at the door, assuring himself that it was latched securely. And that was it. There was nothing for Remus to do in this form, nothing but stare at the walls and allow the moon's light to entrance him with an odd mixture of shimmering glow and shadow.

Ever since Sirius had discovered his condition, soon followed by James and Peter, Remus had rarely been alone during a full moon. Even after Hogwarts, one of his friends would invite him to their homes and he would have company throughout the night and the following days of illness. Remus would never have that again.

Remus shook himself, then lay on the ground. An unfortunate side effect of Snape's potion was that he did not have the animal mind to push back the sadness and fear. It was times like these that he wondered why he did not just embrace his primal form, stop fighting and allow the darkness to take him. His last reason for being had been taken from him in a single moment of fatal grace, and the only hope Remus had left was that of a dying man praying for a painless demise.

_"Don't let go,"_ came the comforting voice of his most recent loss. It was something Sirius had always said when the pain and terror had threatened to overwhelm him.

_"Hold my hand, Remus, don't let go."_

Remus never did let go, he squeezed Sirius' hand so hard it was a wonder he never did any real harm, and Sirius had never released him, not until he fell into an exhausted sleep, his best friend soothing away any lingering fears.

_"I'll be here when you wake up."_

_But you're gone,_ Remus thought, laying his head on his paws, his body racked with shivers. _I'm all alone._

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"_Through the wind and the rain_

_Through the laughter and pain_

_Count on me_

_And when life isn't fair and nobody's there_

_I will be"4_

Arthur Weasley sat at the large table in the kitchen, one hand lazily stirring a cup of coffee, the other braced on the table and holding up his head. He watched the steaming liquid in the mug swirl into a black vortex, pulling him into a swimming darkness.

"Arthur," Molly said, laying a hand on her husband's shoulder.

Arthur started slightly and looked up from his coffee.

"I'm heading home," said his wife. "Are you coming, or staying here?"

Arthur smiled and waved her away. "You go, I'll stay here and wait on the report."

"Alone?"

"I'm not alone, dear," he gestured toward the stairs. "Lupin is here."

Molly looked over out the nearby window and watched the moon rise over the house tops.

"I'll see you tomorrow, dear," Molly patted her husband's shoulder, then quietly left the house.

Arthur sighed and tried to return to his coffee, but it wasn't sufficiently catching his attention and his gaze wandered to the window. He sat there for a long time, thinking of nothing and paying little mind to the lightening of the sky. It wasn't until early gray light fell in through the eastward windows that Arthur moved, and only then because of the frightened scream that came from upstairs.

Arthur leaped from his chair and raced out of the kitchen and tore up the stairs. He listened for another scream as he went down the hall, but none came. He stopped outside Remus' room and listened. He heard a pain-filled moan, and opened the door slowly.

Remus' room was dark, but Arthur had no trouble locating the man inside. Remus lay on the floor beside the door, naked and shaking and gasping for breath.

Arthur had never seen Remus so soon after a full moon, and he could now see why he remained in his room. For a moment Arthur was frozen, but then Remus moved, panting with the effort, and then he was on his knees and removing his jacket.

"It's alright, Remus," Arthur said as he wrapped the shivering man in his jacket, "lay still."

As strong arms wrapped around him, Remus lifted his head, turning up a tear-streaked face. He was nauseas, dizzy, and tired, and he was unable to think through the haze that covered his mind, but he did understand one thing: he was not alone anymore.

"Don't leave me," Remus pleaded, his voice harsh from crying. "Not again."

Arthur held Remus close, offering warmth, support, and more importantly, friendship. "I won't leave you, Remus," he whispered comfortingly.

_"I will never leave you."_

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"_Stand tall, you won't fall!_

_Even a wolf gets away_

_Now and then run into the sun_

_Sharpen your claws, bare your fangs and go on!"5_

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1-Sarah McLachlan

2-Fire Eagle "Oial

3- 3 Doors Down "When I'm Gone"

4-Emerson Drive "Last One Standing"

5-"Oh Angel" English version


End file.
